


5 Lives Kurt Hummel Does Not Live

by el_gilliath



Category: Glee
Genre: AU, F/F, F/M, Genderbending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-27
Updated: 2011-03-27
Packaged: 2017-10-17 08:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/174659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/el_gilliath/pseuds/el_gilliath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 Lives Kurt Hummel Does Not Live (and never will)</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Lives Kurt Hummel Does Not Live

**Author's Note:**

> First writings in Glee fandom. Scary business people

**The one where Kurt is super popular**  
Everyone knows that Kurt Hummel is the most popular boy in school. Head Cheerio, Lead Singer in Glee club, straight A-student and a fashionista to boot. At McKinley High, if you mess with Kurt Hummel, you mess with Sue Sylvester, Will Schuester, all the Cheerios and the football team(cause their kicker wouldn’t be half as good if Kurt wasn’t training him). Kurt Hummel has everything. Except for a boyfriend. Oh he’s had sex, guys will fuck him as long as they don’t have to touch his dick, but he wants to go on dates. Unfortunately, the only one besides him in Lima he knows is gay is Dave Karofsky. And he is not touching that with a ten foot pole, closet cases are so last season.

So when the Cheerios start gossiping about the drop dead gorgeous guy with a Mohawk that just moved in next door to Brittany and is supposed to start McKinley tomorrow, Kurt crosses his fingers that the guy might be gay or bi. Lord knows he needs to go home and find the perfect outfit for tomorrow so he can show off how good he looks, just in case.

(As it turns out, Noah Puckerman is bi, and sleeps his way through half of Lima within two months of moving there. But when Kurt tells him to stop and get himself tested so they can fuck bareback, Noah does it without hesitating. So Kurt gets his boyfriend, and his dates, and he gets amazing sex whenever he wants. No one is surprised at the 15-year reunion, and they’re still together)

 

 **The one where Kurt is a stud(or so everyone thinks)**  
Kurt Hummel is a stud. If you ask anyone about him, that’s what they’ll tell you, he’s a stud. He’s slept with half of Lima and then some. He’s an awesome kicker for the McKinley Titans, and more often than not the reason why they win. Kurt Hummel already has a football scholarship for college, and he’s going somewhere, because he’s a stud.

But if you ask Noah Puckerman, he’ll tell you that Kurt Hummel isn’t a stud, that he hasn’t slept with half of Lima. It’s just a mask so people won’t see the real him. He will tell you that Kurt Hummel is a good friend, a loving son, a polite young man, and a generous lover. He will tell you that Kurt has infact only slept with one person in Lima, and that’s him, Noah Puckerman, Kurt Hummel’s best friend turned lover and running back for the McKinley Titans. The thing between them started when they were 13, and has been ongoing since then. But no one besides their other best friend Finn Hudson and his girlfriend Quinn Fabray knows, because they’re football studs. Their lives would be hell if people found out. And as much as they love each other, they know that they will always have to be a secret, atleast until the NFL suddenly decides to be okay with gays because that’s where they’re headed.

So they’ll be careful, and only be together in secret or around Finn and Quinn, because while they might love each other, they’re not giving up their dreams just to be together. So while Noah knows otherwise, to the rest of Lima, Kurt Hummel is a stud. He’s slept with half of Lima and then some. He’s an awesome kicker for the McKinley Titans, and more often than not the reason why they win. Kurt Hummel already has a football scholarship for college, and he’s going somewhere, because he’s a stud.

 

 **The one where Kurt is a scary bitch of a girl**  
If there is one person you don’t want to be mad at you, it’s Karoline Hummel, because she can turn your life into a living hell if she wants too. She’s the co-captain of the Cheerios with Quinn Fabray, she’s rich, she’s fabulous, and she’s dating Noah Puckerman, the badass running back of the football team. She’s also a raging bitch that has everyone wrapped around her fingers. Most people know this and stay out of her way.

But when Santana Lopez decides to seduce Noah, she finds out the hard way. Normally Karoline doesn’t care if Noah sleeps with someone else because he always comes back to her bed, so when Noah sleeps with Santana, she just shrugs and asks him how much worse Santana is in the sack than her, to which Noah laughs and proceeds to show her just why he’s with her. But when Santana stupidly announces that she wants Noah for herself, that’s when the devil in 10inch Loutboutins Karoline Hummel appears. The first thing she does is convince Sue Sylvester to kick Santana off the Cheerios. The second thing she does is convince the jocks to start slushying her and trowing her in the dumpsters. The third thing she does is convince Will Schuester to kick her out of Glee club. The forth thing she does is completely destroy her car(not many people know she works at her dad’s garage and that’s how she likes it). The fifth thing she does is tell Brittany that Santana has been making moves on Brittany’s boyfriend Artie. The sixth thing she does is make Noah very publicly tell people how bad Santana was in bed and how he would never touch her again. She bullies and ridicules her until she’s near the breaking point. And when Santana thinks she has finally stopped, Karoline Hummel goes into Principal Figgins office and gets her expelled for drug use.

In the end, Santana and her family move away from Lima, while the rest of McKinley are even more scared of Karoline Hummel than they were before. Just like she wants it, she thinks as she’s cuddled in her boyfriend’s arms. After that, no one tries to take Noah from her, because they just won’t succeed.

 

 **The one where Kurt is a girl. And a lesbian**  
Karoline Hummel is as far from the clichéd lesbian as you can get. She’s not butch, she does not have short hair, she’s small and dainty, and she has a sense of fashion that makes most girls superbly jealous, and a closet to die for. All of this contributed to a whole bunch of shocked classmates when little, perfectly dressed hottie Karoline Hummel proudly announced that she was a lesbian. Which is why Karoline Hummel decided to prove to everyone that she is indeed a lesbian, starting with getting as many Cheerios as possible into bed(which is easy, as all she has to do is compliment them and promise to make them feel good).

After the Cheerios she graduates to other girls in the school, and it’s suprising how many girls are willing to experiment if she just works hard enough, until she has a pretty awesome reputation of making you week in the knees after a minute and and awesome ability to bring forth the best of multiple orgasms. But her biggest challenge comes in the form of Natalie Puckerman. Punk styled Natalie Puckerman with her short spiky hair who walks around in combat boots, short skirts or leather pants and tight t-shirts, showing off arm muscles which most guys would be completely jealous of. Natalie who’s openly bi and has been with tons of guys, but no girls as far as Karoline knows. So why is she resisting now? Well, Karoline thinks to herself, if I can get straight Cheerios to sleep with me, I’m going to get Natalie Puckerman to sleep with me.

(In the end it takes hard flirting, sensual touching, fuck-me-sideways!heels, short skirts and a lot of sexual innuendo before Natalie becomes so tired of being turned on all the time that she slams Karoline up against her locker and kisses her until she’s a puddle of goo in her hands, not caring about what seems to be the whole school standing around watching them. When she drags Karoline out of the school and onto her motorcycle, every straight boy in the school wishes they were a fly on that bedroom wall when they drive off. And when they come back the next day, both looking fucked out and completely happy as they walk down the halls holding hands, a fair few of them even whimper before they run off hiding their middle section behind books).

 

 **The one where Kurt is straight**  
When most people look at Kurt Hummel, they can’t imagine the kind of chick magnet that he actually is. Always dressed to perfection, with his beautiful eyes and kind smile, girls fall like flies in the wake of his charm. He’s the kind of guy who is the perfect friend, always honest and that you can hang out with without it turning to sex. Though he’s also the guy to go to if you need a good fuck, because there’s no one better than Kurt Hummel when it comes to sex. So when Kurt starts dating Natalie Puckerman, the women of Lima all shed a tear because if he’s dating someone, Kurt is always faithful. And while they all hope deep inside that they won’t be dating for long, they have to admit that Kurt and Natalie make a good couple. They’re sweet, and cute, and while they’re obviously together from the way they look at each other, they tone it down when they’re among people because none of them are big on PDA. So when the year mark of their relationship come and go, it just makes sense that they’re still together. Kurt is still the perfect friend in every way, the only thing that changes there is that Natalie is around more often than not. So when they graduate from McKinley, even if the women of Lima are sad to see Kurt go, they wish KurtandNatalie good luck in New York. It’s not hard to understand that what they have between them is true love, and while they’ll mourn the loss of the good guy that is Kurt, they couldn’t be happier for Natalie that she found a guy like him.


End file.
